Hy Brasil

Island of Eternity

Part 1 – The Light

July, 2018

With the decision made to commence this account, I at once faced the question as to how I might describe the child I once was; or broader still, the child and teenager I formerly stood. I am not long out of those times. Consequently, I persist in hesitancy as to whether I should refer to my school years as those of childhood. When embodied in this harvest moon of life, there are few that would eagerly speak of it as such. With this in mind, I ask for leeway in my self-portrayal, as the uncertainty is inherent to a large extent.

I have up until now, not been swayed into exhibiting complete self-assurance, as the embodiment of a man about town. Now that changes are proceeding, I perceive I may never achieve that accomplishment.

It is as a consequence of these alterations that my hand has been forced into discussion; and where my youth is concerned, this part of me, while it remains for now in control, is experiencing a sentimental urge to look back with fondness as well as reminiscence on those times, besides too retaining the more serious requisite of affording a little background regarding the lead up to my current state of affairs. I shall, therefore, in the interests of aspiring toward contentment, even if purely temporary, refer not to my childhood, but to my formative years of adolescence, when I grew literally and figuratively into the narrator of this testament.

I supposed here, to use at first, the word unusual as the descriptive adjective, but then theorised that perhaps different might be an improvement, as proclaiming the former might make it sound as if I had existed odd or strange or perhaps even suffered from a deformity; none of which was true. No, in my own mind at least there persisted nothing strange or odd about me, and in the physical sense there were no visible abnormalities, with everything functioning as it should have been, on a par with or better than just about any regular youth.

The formation of my body, it could be assumed, was in some ways superior to average. I stood tall and strong from a young age, with among the earlier of family photographs depicting a head of curly blonde hair that towered above those belonging to others my own age. I didn’t have that problem now, but only because the colour of my hair initiated a change from blonde to brown at the age of 6 or 7. I upheld proficiency in athletics, and positioned academically capable in that I did well in school without the exigency to try particularly hard.

I neither stood out to an excessive degree, nor was I lost in the background. I placed as known, but not the type of person who others gathered around, as happened with some adolescents. I often saw around school, and even within my own circle of friends, one or two jocks who inevitably drew a crowd. Neither one of those, nor a part of the congregation, I tended to have the confidence to go about things my own way.

It might be held that while above the usual in several respects, I was not quite outstanding in a way that would have drawn a percentage of remarks. I had never sought consideration at the outset, nor would I have acted in a manner that would have made me noticed to any inordinate extent.

With hindsight, I see this personality type suited me well in those formative teenage years, and with the retrospection of early adulthood I believe that up until the present at least, it has provided me with the benefit of what I consider to be a well-rounded personality with a balanced outlook on life. I’m not sure now if that means anything anymore. It did until recently, but things have changed. However, I’ve gotten too far ahead of myself already. I’ll get to that part of the story later.

While in attendance at school, it was then I found my skill in a number sports, which probably acknowledged more to do with having stood taller and stronger than most of my peers, than it did with any exceptional talent. But for all of that, I don’t have any reason to believe the coaches ever paid an inordinate amount of attention to me. It certainly didn’t seem that way; which I’m okay with, as I always knew my destiny would be found in academics rather than as a star of the field.

My interest fixed in learning, and while I enjoyed sport when playing, now I’m somewhat older I really don’t miss it all that much. I might have attained something of an aptitude for the athletic or soccer field, but at the same time I took a take-it-or- leave-it-attitude, which quite often meant adopting a lazy attitude. When something interested me, I was of the opposite inclination, and instead invested time as well as energy in its study.

There’s nothing so far in the tale of my teenage years to suggest their being anything all that different in my make-up, with certainly nothing to indicate their being anything peculiar in my personality. Agreed, my teenage years, to a point at least, were as normal as anybody else’s, except for a particular feature or difference I possessed. I didn’t own it from birth as it originally appeared as the result of an experience that chanced upon me in my tenth year. It is only now in recent months that I truly understand its significance, as since the beginning, I assumed it to be nothing more than a quirk that gave me certain advantages in life. Now however, in light of events, the true extent of this difference or enhancement has become apparent.

The change I underwent at that early age didn’t have a significant effect on me at the time, if at all, and while there was a mindfulness something once transpired, never had I been afraid of it, or even wary, either at the outset or in the subsequent years. Right through that time period, rushing from childhood into adolescence, I embraced the modification, and then recognised how to make the most of it.

I stood aware it gave rise to a transformation. In addition, that alteration in combination with the very positive benefits of its associated characteristics, far from being something to be fearful of, provided me instead with an air of confidence. I ascribe this self-assurance to the happiness that I seized in those years, for I ranked without doubt as content with life as likely to be attained.

In reference to the awareness that I harboured of the unique characteristics I held, or certainly, so much as I could impart, features of distinctiveness that I possessed, it is only within the present timeframe that I have asked questions about this purported exceptional quality. What once functioned as an eminence I had formerly concluded was mine alone; may well in fact be common. Or, to be more accurate, in times past there are indications of it once occupying conventionality.  Plus, might very well, if current circumstances are anything to go by, become so once again.

The contentment, with pleasure too, I previously derived from this singularity is no longer existent. Instead, it has been replaced by worry, pessimism and even by fear. None of these emotions had until lately been components of my usual character. The feature, from which in earlier times I profited, exercised as it has within me, the provision of self-assurance, set partial responsibility for keeping these other sentiments at bay. This grafted-on trait combined with the normal persona in my genes by some means always conferred on me a positive optimistic attitude.

Today, negative views have instead become ingrained in my thinking, usurping my personality to the extent they currently dominate it. The first alteration, which prior to the here and now constituted a plus, at present intimates as the facilitator of the second change that now befalls me.

It seems expected that I should write a testimony similar to what “The Good Professor” as I call him, wrote in 1896. It could even be assumed that I have a compulsion for our story to be documented. By the way, should you be wondering if the other party in 'Our', is the Professor, set that aside. It is not he, but rather it is Tiffanie.

I’ll elucidate further about all that concerns the lovely Tiffanie, as this is her story as much as it is mine. However, turning again to the Professor for a moment, he conceivably, at the end too, sensed an obligation, similar in extent to what I am now compelled to do. I can’t be certain of that, but the conception is sound not only in light of how swiftly he met his demise, but mostly consequent to what is happening to me now.  I wonder if he too in his final days had gotten coerced into acquiescing to his internal voice, which advised him that should he not make his statement now, the capacity to do so later may very well desert him.

I raised the sentiment of "Worry" a moment ago, although this might be too soft a description for the disposition that is in-progress. But the optimist within me is still fighting. It’s a losing battle and even mentioning that I’m losing demonstrates just how far pessimism has taken over my personality. It’s only now that I realise that I had no control over this transformation. Pessimism entered my dreams in addition my mind while I guested in the dungeon of despair. Despair is yet another word that until of late was not one familiar to me. Of all words however, now that I reflect upon it, this perhaps better than any other, describes my in-progress temperament.

While I am trying to beat it back as well as regain the positivity that up to the point of a former state defined the dominant part of my make-up; it is there, scaling the wall, rising ever more rapidly to the top. Too soon it will have breached my defences. Along with despair is its sister "Dread". It too is on a scaling ladder, fighting its way into my emotions. As things stand, I think I just about have the energy to hold it back. Plus, it is these reserves of energy that are allowing me to tell our story. However, not unlike the despair, it is relentless. Besides, distinct from me it has energy in abundance. The second change has progressed with speed. I know that now with certainty. So too, a submerged sensation within, pronounces that this second transformation will not allow me to remain in control for a great deal longer. Hence, with an overriding necessity for haste, let me tell you about the first change and how it made me dissimilar to others.

• Update #1 - Publishing Contract Offered for Hy Brasil, Island of Eternity Nov. 14, 2017

  Delighted to announce that last week I was offered a contract from a Texas based publishing firm for my novel Hy Brasil, Island of Eternity.

  It's …

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